Unedited, because boys are stupid


July 12, 2019

It’s almost Daniel Radcliffe’s birthday! He’s a pretty awesome person I think. I guess I don’t actually know him but he seems like a cool dude.

I’m having trouble sleeping again so I figured I could write a little. I’ve been thinking I’ll try to write when I can because I’d really like to make a book about my life. I would publish it as fiction but it would be based on real experiences. I found a piece of paper in one of my other journals that is a list of alternative names for people I know. I also have a name for the book, Lars came up with it. It’s going to be called Magickal House Called Psychosis. And Yes! I did just spell magick with a “K.” 

 I find it hard to fall asleep when I’m on my period but also very productive and not unhappy. Today I volunteered cleaning kitty cages for Colony Cats and gave two of the cats a bath because they were very dirty. The one cat, a beautiful Persian was very well behaved and just sat in the warm water while I washed her.  However, the kitten was squirming all over the place and did not get completely clean, although it was an improvement. I’m volunteering just to fill my time and get out of the house and I really enjoy it.

I also found a possible job at a restaurant down the street. It’s a hosting position and I’m hoping they would only need me to work a few days a week.

I went to yoga this week and wanted to go again but decided against the aerial flow class because of my sunburn.

I’m excited to start piecing together my lifetime in book form and plan on it being journal entry style but may remove the dates down the line.

Part 2 

All about Susan

July 13, 2019

I don’t quite remember the day I met Susan, probably when I was 8 or 9 years old. She had beautiful long straight blonde hair and a thin framed body.  I remember liking her but also being kind of intimidated by her. She would eventually become my step mother but only temporarily until Mike moved on to his next victim. I guess someone doesn’t stop being your parent just because they break up but I haven’t seen her in years and didn’t really know her that well. I am friends with my step sibling’s thru facebook at least I think I am, can’t remember, whatever. I wasn’t against having a step mom, and I love my step dad, Steve, so it’s not like she was evil. Mike was the evil one. 

I did run into her later in my life while I was working at Panera, she came in and ordered a hot cocoa, I made it extra special for her. I would definitely like to see her again someday and catch up. I remember talking to her in her car one cold night and we drank really hot cocoa. That was one of the first times that I really bonded with her. I don’t think my sisters ever really liked her but for some reason Susan and I were closer and genuinely cared about each other. I feel sad that she too became a victim in Mike’s sick twisted charade. He was very good at that, victimizing vulnerable women and children. He is probably still very good at it. This is not a story about Mike. This is Susan’s story and how later she saved my life.

I remember the day I met Susan clearly. Nobody called her Susan, she went by Nay Nay. I was in Greene County Jail and had been confined for the past few days. I wasn’t eating I barely slept. I hadn’t even been let out to go to the bathroom. I was strongly considering suicide but hadn’t worked out a definite plan yet. From nowhere there was a soft thud, giggling and I peeked out to see that a spit-ball had been hurled at me. Then another, giggling and another. Finally I got pissed and started telling these women on the other side of the bars that I was going to kill the next person who threw a spit-ball. They stopped but giggling continued. Later I discovered this was some kind of initiation. They did it to everyone who started in isolation as a way to size you up, quite clever actually and funnier now then it was at the time. 

Part 3

Wise Men

July 13, 2019

I find it hard to show my feelings to others sometimes. I spent all of high school being afraid of men and with good reason. I was raped by my biological father, Mike. That didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to men. I had a lot of crushes starting at about seventh grade. Sam was a very attractive, tall and smart guy and we were in school together all the way through to senior year, I think he was my first crush. I sat next to him in seventh grade science class with Mrs. Armocida and we were lab partners for a while. I couldn’t think clearly around him and was probably shaking visibly. My handwriting was likely illegible during that time frame. What is really frustrating about the whole thing is if I had been allowed to change my last name earlier I could have been in his home room and right next to his locker for a couple years. Oh well, it’s not like he had any idea I liked him at the time. I was very timid and probably most of the people I fell for had no idea.

Then in eighth grade I remember A.J. came onto my radar, I liked him because he looked like Daniel Radcliffe and I was also obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe at the time. Lost interest when I heard a rumour that A.J. was a drug dealer, no idea if it was true. I had a few more big crushes ranging from Shai, Jesse and Nathan but still never so much as a kiss from anyone. Nathan did once give me a purple hershey’s kiss though. Seamus was this really awesome older guy in Jenna’s grade and I was convinced for a while that we would fall madly in love but that did not work out. I should bake his family a pie and drop it off they always welcome me and Molly (Seamus’ younger sister) is my favorite.

I went to my last prom with a boy named Max and we worked together  for a while but he never asked me out so I guess I just got tired of waiting. Luke did I mention him, my gal pal Maxine bumped into him one day and I was very jealous, but now he is gay. Hey, men need men too.

The first time I dated someone I ended up in jail so I was just afraid I’d fuck up again after that lovely experience.

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