Still Broken

Just a quick update (in regard to the friend I lost). At this point I thought that I would be okay. But I’m not. I know it seems like I say this every couple of entries but as much as I try to get used to loosing my friend I still hate it. She hurt me and I felt the need to let her know. I said things that I can’t take back. Admittedly some of the things I said I wouldn’t take back even if I could. I wanted to yell at her and see that my words hurt her as much as she hurt me. In this digital world I don’t get that satisfaction. I can’t turn away because there are parts of me that want us to be friends like we used to be. Then just as quickly I realize the impossibility of my desire. There’s nothing I can do. That alone makes me feel helpless…pathetic for caring so much. Anger too, lots of it. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully accept this. Right now it seems like a giant hole in my heart.

Something about this entry reminded me of another person I cared about. He was a good friend from high school, except he was always so much more than that to me.I believe the word that best described me would be smitten.  I didn’t have the guts tell him. In fact most of the time I don’t tell people. Maybe that’s why so many of them have slipped away. At this point I know it’s too late. He’s far away and probably one of those people I’ll always have a soft spot for. The worst thing about it is that if I’d been a little more daring I probably could have dated him. I can’t say it would have lasted all that long, most high school relationships don’t. I should have at least tried, right? I mean what’s the big deal anyway, at least then I would have made some type of effort. I tell myself there are other people out there, but it is hard to move on. Now, because I can and because it will make no difference I write it here. To be viewed by others. Will it change anything? No.

I’m tired of trying and still coming up short. I’ve got to get out of this place where my choices seem so dull. And I will, just as soon as I tie up all my loose ends.

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