I should go to bed, but as I sit here thinking that in a few hours I’ll be finished with one of my final classes, I started realizing all the things that haven’t worked the way I planned. To start, it took an embarrassing five years to complete my simple two year degree. I wanted to be in and out, but instead life got it the way as it always seems to in my super lucky family and I had to take breaks in-between. It made me feel weak. And a little dumb, I’m not, in fact when I was in school I did great. I just couldn’t always be there and that troubled me. I would have been happy to finish in three years because the curriculum was really built for someone who either doesn’t sleep or doesn’t have a job…but I’m disappointed I couldn’t just finish already.
Almost everyone can handle whatever life throws at them and the fact that sometimes it’s just too much for me really pisses me off. It makes me want to do soMething crazy and drAstic and just say to hell with it. Xerox my face and see the spots. Hearts. Then fall into a psychedelic dream where everyone’s lives are frou frou and we see life in black and white. I want to be someone to someone. I want to know what the point of it all is. Why do we continue on? Are we part of a bigger plan? Do we just perform the menial tasks of a more important whole?
Are we the catalyst?
I’m not the person I wanted to be in five years if you were to compare today with then. I’m not friend’s with very many of the same people. I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do yet. I’m not done. I haven’t given up. I can’t say yes. I can’t say no. I don’t even get a say. I can choose, but it doesn’t mean the desired outcome will occur. All any of us can to is give life the one shot and then see what happens. There must be a whole lot of answers and maybe someday someone or He will answer. For now I’m stuck being me.