False Trails

This will make me sound awful and mean but this morning’s bus ride was most unpleasant. A guy who has some type of mental challenge was sitting on the bus behind me. He seemed unable to form exact words but incessantly groaned and made other unintelligible noises. Despite my sympathy for his social inabilities I couldn’t help but feel somewhat annoyed. I knew that he would have to get off the bus eventually and I would no longer be plagued with the somewhat embarrassing gibberish but the stop lights and slow 9:30 am traffic brought about this event at a sludge-like pace. There was a sigh of relief when he did finally get off the bus from a man slightly in front of me.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned the previous event at all. It makes me out as an insensitive selfish person, but I assure you my heart goes out to those that are less fortunate than myself. I just don’t want to take the same bus as the awkwardly vocal types. I wonder in my position what I would do if somehow I knew I was going to have a child with such huge challenges. Knowing what hardship they would face, would I terminate the pregnancy?  Does someone with that many setbacks from the start really live a life? Of course there are varying degrees of severity so if it was slight there is a good chance they would live a successful and possibly rewarding life. Still I can’t justify the other majority that is discriminated against, taunted, socially shunned and tested by the smallest of troubles. Those that don’t fit no matter how they try must lead such meaningless, sad, and lonely lives. People who have everything going for them still reach the same problems and that is without all of the other unfair disadvantages.

In other news, I’m doing well in school, working so much my head wants to implode and generally having the time of my life. I’m even dating someone, so that’s cool I guess. With just five more weeks of school I’m bursting with excitement and slight paranoia. I’ve controlled myself and not given in to the urge to buy a ridiculously cute (and expensive) jacket. I can’t say this is the happiest time of my life but it is as if I’ve reached a crossing point. I have all these directions I could go and only the vaguest idea of which paths to take. There’s not really a wrong way but I don’t want to end up at the end of my adventures before they start.

Here is what I know for sure. I plan to work at DLM until the end of the year in order to make some easy money and get comfortable to life without school. I’m awaiting my passport in the mail so I can travel around the world. After school ends I’d like to take yoga on a regular basis, run consistently and possibly learn jiu jitsu. I’ll be fine tuning my resume so it’s ready to mail to every Cruiseline on the planet. I would like to start my goal of visiting each state (Trip to Boston at end of March). I plan to make new friends as the old one’s aren’t as available as they use to be.

There is one more thing on my mind. Although its been a couple months since I broke up with one of my best friends, I still feel a little empty. She was cruel and cold but I feel bad the way we left things. I wish she hadn’t forced me into a place where I felt so unwelcome. I wish that she had protested when I sent the note telling her I didn’t want any further contact with her. She didn’t call or write even though she had the means to do so. I guess that’s what hurts the most. She could have done something but she chose to stay away. Even now I wonder if she ever checks this blog just to find out what I’m doing. Something tells me this is not the case, like the fact that she never told me we were no longer friends on Facebook, I expect she doesn’t have any interest knowing what I’m doing. Immediately following our official break I felt the need to see something of her so I followed her Twitter account for a while but this seemed creepy and wrong so I don’t do that anymore. I feel like we were once on the same piece of an iceberg but somehow we broke apart and drifted farther from each other even as I tried to make my way back toward her. I spent hours crying thinking that it would bring her back.

But she is gone. Someone I won’t see again. A stranger. Lost.

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