I’ve noticed that my life is starting to feel like the waiting room. There are plans to finish college and the prospect of traveling, but it’s like I am deadlocked in a very crowded stuffy doctor’s office. I arrived on time and filled out all the paperwork, so now there is nothing to do but wait. My mind feels full of nonsensical streams of consciousness. If I was in a state of contentment, I think I could settle for that, but I feel a bit trapped. There is so much to do beyond my education. I am anxious to arrive in the place where I can call the shots and make some kind of difference, even if it is small.
I find myself dreaming of what will come to pass. Really just silly stories I build up in my head. If I was doing something more productive I wouldn’t have the time to go into an imaginary world. But is this simply because I haven’t been in school and I’ve had so little responsibility? I hope that with school things will will feel more exciting. How can people just go to work then go home? And are they really doing anything to keep life in motion?
I don’t want a predictable life. I want the time to fly and then suddenly stop so I can enjoy every moment. Hopefully, there won’t be anymore time-wasted. I think that after digging myself out of such a big hole a couple years ago, and finally having something to show for it, has helped me grow. It also felt like a giant rock crushed me and then jumped up and down a couple times. Is it dangerous to hope for a life that isn’t quite so cookie-cutter? If I ask for unpredictable does that mean I’ll make more poor choices? I very nearly sent my life off a cliff (not literally), so my mind keeps telling me to use more caution. Is there a happy-medium, and where can I find it?
I’ve had a lot of questions on my mind and sometimes verbalizing helps. I don’t think this really helped. It’s still a little early to tell. It is like I finally get to talk with my doctor and he tells me not to worry about whatever issue I’m having, then sends me home. Problem unresolved.